He had a deep voice. The kind that sends vibrations along your spine and makes all the hairs on your arms stand up.
He had dark brown eyes. The ones where you find yourself willing to get lost in the stolen glance you share.
And his mind! HIS MIND!
From the word hello our conversation took a natural flow.
He playfully touched my hand and with a jolt brought me back to reality.I suddenly noticed how close we were sitting and how we had formed a bubble away from the rest of the room. I was well past the line when I realized I had crossed it. This had gone from a stimulating talk with a stranger, to flirting with an acquaintance and was dangerously creeping into an irresistible attraction.
My mind told me to find a casual way of mentioning my boyfriend… I searched hard for anything… it was like grasping for straws while sinking in quick sand. “Think” i urged myself, “mention how you and.. what’s that boy’s name!! Ok, talk about how you love to go hiking with your boyfriend… nope that’s a lie and it won’t sound nonchalant at all…..me and sports never look laid back.. FOCUS! think think….”
As the waiter drops of my drink I look up to hear Mr. Husky say “you’re having a beer right, my girlfriend only likes cocktails” WHAT!!
WHHAAT!!
“act cool, keep smiling.”
I opened my mouth and said “yeah, I usually do cocktails too” but my heart was yelling, “why would you flirt with me if you have a girlfriend!! You cheater!!!! And how in the hell did you learn how to bring up your girlfriend in conversation with such a breezy tone!” And yes, I mentally wrote down that line, you never know when I could use it.
I know I had no right to be mad, but I was. I felt like I had lost that Battle Of Who Is More Committed to a random stranger. Worse…I felt guilty that I was a little hurt I would never get to see where this attraction could have gone.
Instantly the conversation hit a dead end and stopped flowing. One half of my brain began to sieve out inappropriate comments while the other half tried to win back the battle by thinking of smart ways to mention how my sexy, smart, sweet amazing boyfriend (whose name was somewhere along the tip of my tongue) was better than the guy sitting in front me.
I often thought being faithful was something someone did naturally. As though finding the man you want to spend the rest of your life with meant all the other men in the world automatically paled in comparison. But as I’ve grown I’ve learnt how the opposite is true.
When I was single I would look at all men from a “could he be the one” angle. I would analyze our conversations and because I was over thinking it often I wouldn’t take time to appreciate who they were. Now I talk to men from a “can he keep a conversation going?” angle. This angle lets me put aside all my dating bitterness and silly notions of what a smart man sounds like and lets me see them in a positive light.
Now being faithful is an active choice. I remind myself how wonderful CLAYTON (YES!! I remembered his name! WHOO) I remember how much joy he’s brought to my life. And I not only think of ways to avoid the Mr. Husky’s of the world, but I actively walk away from them.
ramblings to a soulmate 